Yes. In a word. Yes, we have chosen to keep Teddy’s intended room as a nursery. That may be a little odd to some people (To those people I say; come back to me when your baby has died and we can have a chat?); but it is what we have chosen to do for now. Perhaps it is what we have chosen to do indefinitely, I am really not sure?
Our first instinct when we returned home from hospital was to simply shove everything into that little room (Moses basket, pram, car seat) and shut the door. I felt like sealing the door edges with gaffer tape so that I couldn’t so much as see any light creeping out from the cracks around the edge. I wanted that room, that space that symbolised everything we should be doing, to just go away. I was scared to go in there; that’s the first time I have said that. Yes, I was scared to go into my son’s room, in my own house.
There was talk between my husband and I in those first weeks; “Shall we just put the desk back in there?” Yes, we considered turning that beautiful little sun-drenched space that we had lovingly designed for our imminent arrival, into a home office. I actually laugh when I think of those conversations now. What were we worried about? People judging us; talking about us; or thinking we were strange for having a nursery for a baby who never came home? I actually have no clue what we were worried about; but I quickly realised that whatever those initial fears were, that they didn’t matter. That room was intended as a baby’s room, a beautiful nursery; and it still will be exactly that.
After a few weeks the questions started from well-meaning friends. “So, what might you do with the nursery?” (Said so tentatively and with fear for what the answer may be.) My answer was the same each time; “We’ll keep it, for Teddy’s little brother or sister.” It is this determination, this positivity that I think has helped me believe that there is good reason to keep it. Such good reason. That aside, I feel so close to Teddy when I am in there. Why would I ever get rid of a space that allows me to feel close to my son?
I feel that if I were to dismantle that nursery; pack everything away, that in some way we would be giving up on our hopes of a living, breathing baby (Or a “take home baby” as I have come to call them). I feel like we would just be giving up; packing all of our hopes and dreams away and into the loft; never to be seen again. Well I won’t do that. I would rather be a crazy lady who has a nursery and no baby, than one who falls at the first hurdle life throws at her and recoils at the first challenge. The universe may have had different plans for Teddy, and for us (for now); but I plan to show the universe exactly how this story is going to end (That will be a happy ending, by the way. Just a side-note for any of you who weren’t quite following me on this one!).
Put quite simply; I love that little room. The light streams in and it feels so peaceful. All of the little bits and bobs have been picked out with so much love and care, or better still made by hand. My wonderful mum has spent hours knitting blankets, and handmade a beautiful pouffe for me to use as a footstool. I made a mobile for above the cot before Teddy was born; hand stitching each little elephant, star and cloud. It sounds cliché, but I made that mobile with so much love and hope in my heart. I told Teddy all about it when he was in the NICU; and it will hang there until he has a little brother or sister to appreciate it. One day.
Elle x
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
Your words are precious and full of hope, and hope is such a wonderful gift that we should hold on to. Sending love and thanks for your sharing . Roni 💖
Thank you Roni xx
I love reading your words and thoughts. So similar to my own. Much love to you and best wishes for your journey x
I’m glad you can understand, thank you for reading. Xx
I have loved reading this post and think you are an absolute inspiration. I understand all the reasons you have kept the nursery as you have and wish you all the very best with your journey. I can’t wait to see your happy ending one day in the future.
Lots of love ❤
You’ve done it again Elle. You’re words always speak to my heart. Teddys nursery is gorgeous, every little bit of it. I can feel the love pouring out of the pictures. I LOVE the mobile. And I love the hopes and dreams you have for bringing home Teddys little sister or brother one day bc I believe in my heart that will come true for you and your husband. 💙
I like to believe that too! Thank you Kristen xx
I cannot imagine what you have been through. But I do know you do not need a reason to do what is right for you. It’s a beautiful room, lovingly decorated and cared for. A room where you have space to feel Teddy close to you.
Ellie. Please don’t change it, I know one day, when the time is right. You will have a “take home baby” and Teddy will be close to watch over them in the nursery.
Thank you for your positivity! I believe that will happen too xx
Teddy’s nursery is beautiful absolutely beautiful his future sibling will be very lucky to have such a special room I wish you and your husband all the happiness for the future xx
Thank you so much Lucy xx
Elle i just love reading your blogs, your words are so honest and they touch everyone that reads them i am sure. I remember seeing the photo on facebook of you making that mobile and remember thinking ‘What a great mum she is’ Teddy is so lucky to have you as his mum. XX
Thank you Maz, that is so very lovely of you to say xx
Massive love. Such a cute space.
Hello Teddys Mum
There are no grief rules. My daughter Piper was born still at full term this past summer. Her nursery is my favorite room in my home. I know those questions you speak of from well meaning loved ones about what to do about it. It is a particularly difficult topic as that room feels like a lifeline. I happened upon your blog as I too journal about our daughters too short life. So many things you say ring true in our lives as well. From one stranger to another, I’ll hold you in my heart.
Pipers Mum
This really resonates with me too. I have been formulating a post for my blog about not wanting anything to change in the house since Steve died, not wanting to erase him with each little change so that if he walked back in in a year or two or ten he wouldn’t recognise it as his home. I am being quite ‘Miss Haversham ‘ about it. I talked to my bereavement counsellor about it this morning. Your keeping it the same makes complete sense.X
It’s such a beautiful nursery, it definitely needs to be there ready for your lovely children x
Thank you Elle for this piece my first born Arianna would have been 3 months this Feb 22nd 2018 . And people already asking why I don’t change up her room a bit , it doesn’t have a crib (as that was being delivered 2 days after she came via placenta abruption No heartbeat) . So we sent it back to the store. But I love that space and miss my baby girl do much! At 40 weeks she passed away no warning no symptoms just took my heart with her . It such dark place right now