I think this one is about to get as “ranty” as I’m ever going to get. I’ll try to keep the noise down, I promise. As many of you will already know from my previous blogs; we suffered another loss in January this year, at fourteen weeks pregnant. Another baby who was set to be “incompatible with life”. Our rainbow after Teddy just wasn’t meant to be; not this time anyway.
What I have failed to write about, until now, are the complications I have suffered since then. For me getting pregnant hadn’t been unusually difficult. Ten months to conceive Teddy (with long cycles) and another four months from having Teddy until I conceived again; pretty quick if anything. After losing a second baby, I guess I thought we would just jump straight back on the baby-making wagon and I would be pregnant by Spring. Oh how wrong I was.
People keep telling me since Teddy died that all of my writing, the fundraising and raising awareness; it’s all “Making lemonade” with life’s pretty sh*tty lemons that keep being thrown my way. I have given all of my spirit to stay positive; but how much can one human spirit take? How long exactly is it before you start freezing those lemons and throwing them back at life (with a massive “F*ck you” to the world while I am there, just for the record)? The answer is; I don’t know. At the moment I still feel pretty positive, pretty optimistic. Don’t get me wrong; I am fed up, of course I am. I am fed up that things can’t just be straightforward, and I am fed up that I am doing everything in my capability to look after my body and wellbeing; and well, my body is just ignoring me!
The latest turn of events sees me with no monthly cycle since we lost the baby in January. I returned for scans thereafter in February, and at the beginning of March it was decided by my consultant that they would have to carry our minor surgery to removed “retained tissue” from the last pregnancy. It was all made to sound so simple, so straightforward. I felt like she would wave a magic wand and everything would return to normal. The procedure included a general anaesthetic, of which I am terrified. Yes, I am one of those irrational people who firmly believes she will go to sleep and never wake up again. Give me a little break on that one though; every time we have been to that hospital in recent months it has been pretty sh*tty news. Anyway, with my hysteria put to rest by a very quick and efficient anaesthetist on the day; the procedure was quick and I was in no pain afterwards. My consultant confirmed everything had gone brilliantly and deemed it a “success”.
Fast forward five weeks and I return to the hospital for yet another internal scan. Anyone who has ever encountered one of these will know only too well why my friends and I have forever coined the title “The Dildo Wand” for this bad-boy. If you’ve not had the pleasure, just google it (Internal Ultrasound that is; not “Dildo Wand”, I’m not sure where that second one will get you?). Anyway, the results of that scan were pretty positive; all looked great as far as the sonographer was concerned. I came away thinking the magic wand (not the dildo variety) had been well and truly waved, and I was on my way to recovery. Fast forward almost another four weeks, and it would appear not to be the case. Still nothing.
Then, two weeks ago, I was subjected to the not-so-pleasuarble procedure that is the Hysteroscopy. In other words, a tiny camera that goes “up there” and has a look around your uterus to see what on earth is going on. No anaesthetic this time (not even local), but I took a couple of painkillers before I left home on the advice of my consultant’s secretary, which seemed to make it slightly less agonising (I think?). Luckily, I had three very lovely, and what I might refer to as more “mature” ladies looking after me. They did a sterling job with jokes and distraction, and were all very sensitive to my “story” and knew all about Teddy. It helps that my hospital notes now resemble something more of an ancient tablet as opposed to a file of notes (I am not kidding; if that file gets any thicker they’ll need to start wheeling it in on it’s own trolley!). Once again, the procedure went really well and she took a few snap shots of the situation with that nifty little camera whilst she was there.
It would appear I am now the proud owner of some uterine scar tissue. Fabulous. This is as a result of the removal of tissue in the last procedure and can be quite common, particularly in women whose uterus has recently had a pregnancy (Check; two within a year). Naturally I have done what every rational person would do in this situation and spent time frantically googling the subject. Dr Google strikes again. Sometimes I wish Google wasn’t a “thing“, I mean ignorance is bliss and all of that jazz. Although, on this occasion, it hasn’t left me feeling too helpless, infuriated, or indeed broken. There are lots of things they can do; in fact the hysteroscopy procedure in itself may very well be the thing to get things moving (I guess time will tell on that one?). So now I await another phone call , letter or perhaps a pigeon (one can hope?) sent by my consultant. I am assuming this will be the opportunity for us to discuss the “Where to next?” plan. Will I need further intervention; or more treatment to help? Will this be the month that my cycles return to normal and serenity is restored? Who knows.
I do know this for my own sanity though; anymore bumps in this road to getting our rainbow, and those lemons are going straight in the freezer…….
Elle x
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
Love how honest you are being here, keeping faith is so hard at times! I am also terrified of general anaesthetic and scheduled for one TOMORROW 😱 also for a hysteroscopy removal of a large mass…God help me!
Sometimes you just have to be honest! Hope yours all went well. xx
As I write this I’m waiting to go to the Drs myself to be referred for fertility treatment, finally. 7 years this has taken. What is women have to go through! All these processes are so intrusive and frustrating. I hold hope in my heart that one day I’ll get to be a mum. Thank you for your honesty on your blog. You are truly an inspiration to keep going.
Thank you for sharing Kirsty. Wishing you lots of luck on your road to becoming a Mama. xx
God Elle, the saying it never rains but it pours! it is one, I too, have become accustomed too over the course of the last four years. At 32 I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer, 12 months to the day I was getting married and desperate for a family (that was four years ago). I came through the treatment unrecognisable both in spirit and body. But somehow claimed my new ‘normal’ (bloody hate that word!). Fast forward July 2015 I get a call from my oncology team to say natural baby making is a go go… (we had done IVF as a ‘insurance policy’) You can imagine my delight! Only to be frustrated and upset as months of trying meant further investigations were needed. On one of the trips to the sonographer there were lots of confusion and flicking through notes, scratching of heads, before being asked if we’d already started our IVF… The reason – a tiny embryo danced about the screen. I’m not sure who was more in shock that day – me or the sonographer. But some short 48hrs later and numerous blood tests later I was brought back down to earth with a bump (and not the kind I’d longed for if you get my drift). My GP was ‘concerned’ this pregnancy wouldn’t be viable and two weeks later we were given the blow of an intermittent heartbeat and sent home to wait it out for a further two weeks. On our third wedding anniversary we were delivered the news that our baby was gone. I had a really hard time with the first miscarriage and suffered a hemorrhage at home – not realising that this wasn’t ‘normal’, I left it late to go to the hospital and ended up having to have life saving treatment. Like you, I got pregnant again fairly quickly, four months, only to be told at our eight week scan that that baby’s heartbeat had stopped just two days before. Three weeks ago I suffered my third miscarriage. And I too am ready to join you with those frozen lemons! The only ‘positive’ to come out of my recent ‘situation’ is that I now qualify for the re-occurring miscarriage clinic. We await the results of that and the pathology results of our most recent loss… wanna be friends? I am in awe of you Elle, you keep me going when I’m having a bad day. I can only hope that we your fans do the same for you on your down days. Thank you for starting the conversation. For making it OK to talk about this shitty stuff and the crap we have to go through. Love always x
Oh Lauren, the things we go through hey? Sending love and strength to you. Yes, we can totally be friends! Big love xx
Your story is heartbreaking and I really wish you all the best going forward, totally admire your positive spirit and ability to continue along your path. Have you tried raspberry leaf tea? It’s a uterine tonic and might help.. I’m sure you’ve tried everything but thought I’d suggest it just incase. Xxx
Awh Ellie I’m so sorry life has chucked you a bag of bricks!!! These things are sent to try us and none of us gets through life without a little sh*t being thrown at us. The one thing you seem to have by the bucket load is strength of character. Just keep going my lovely and that rainbow will shine some day soon xxx
Angus cactus is great for getting your cycle back to normal (I never believed it but it works) x
Thanks Anna, I had been taking that for a few months, but it made me feel quite unwell so I had to stop unfortunately. My reflexologist who recommended it said that its not always for everyone.
Big love xx
Thank you Julie. Got to keep on keeping on haven’t we though? xx
Thank you for always being so honest in your blogs – it’s lovely to feel like you’re reading something written by a friend rather than a stranger! And because you feel like a friend (I’m not being weird or stalkery, honest!), I’m so invested in your story and really, really want things to start going your way soon! Your strength, resilience and humour are amazing and I hope you don’t have them tested for much longer! Keeping everything crossed that the road ahead is smooth not bumpy 🙂 xxx
Thank you Sarah. I am really glad you are enjoying my writing. Thank you for following our story and for your lovely positivity! xx
I love your honesty & positivity Elle, I hope everything returns to normal for you and they it’s the end of the intrusive ops. Lots of love xxx
Thank you, me too! Here’s for a smoother ride ahead. xx
I think you’re doing a remarkable job of staying positive amidst everything you’ve gone through and I think you’re amazing! I really hope you get your longed for pregnancy very soon. I’ve got endometriosis (have had far too many investigations in that area for my liking!) and we had to have IVF which is delightful, you get to experience the dildo wand every day for weeks! It did give me my beautiful daughter though so I shan’t complain! Thinking of you. X
Thank you for sharing Angela. Everyones stories of their own experiences have made me feel much less alone. Sending love and light. xx
As always Elle your honesty truly inspires me, well done for speaking so openly about such a sensitive subject. I have suffered multiple miscarriages & although it is no match for the pain you have been through I have a small insight into what you must be going through- bless you. I too never had too much trouble conceiving, my trouble was hanging onto my babies (so to speak). Weirdly I have a daughter, 6 almost 7, she was completely unplanned & apart from being a little early, there were no complications. Then it took me another 4 & 1/2 years to have my son. In that time I suffered 2 (possibly 3 miscarriages). One was a missed miscarriage- horrendous. Anyway now I have two beautiful children & couldn’t love them more! There is always hope ✨. You will get your baby/ babies & they will be blessed to have you as their mummy, as is Teddy. Xx
Thank you so much for sharing and for your positivity. It gives me great hope indeed. xx
Bless you I didn’t realise you had a second loss this year. I’m very saddened for you. My 22 year old daughter has endometriosis and under went an emergency operation last week after suffering acute pain for weeks. This is her second op in 7 months for endometriosis. Having a baby early is something she now has to think about due to the condition. She missed taking her final uni exam due to surgery so not quite in a position to start a family just yet although has an amazing partner who wants to settle down. As women we need to talk about all these conditions/complications to conceive a child as so many suffer thinking they are on their own. I had never heard of endometriosis before and am shocked at how common it is, but it is not spoken about. I read your lovely mums post and I was very moved by it as I had just given every emotional ounce to my daughter at her lowest. I wish you lots of luck Elle and all the women of the world who desperately would like a family. Love your posts and Boris xx
Thank you Helen. I am so sorry for what your daughter is going through too; the things us girls have to deal with hey? Sending lots of love xxx
Oh Elle, your honestly is truly incredible. I to have been subjected to being prodded and poked over the last 3 years and it’s really horrendous, I agree. In my case, it was discovered I had a borderline tumour on my ovaries – twice. The second -sadly – resulting in a full hysterectomy.
The health service is incredible and it sounds like you have some amazing support. Keep the faith – those lemons won’t keep coming and one day you will get that rainbow. xx
Thank you, and thank you for sharing your story too. I have been looked after incredibly well by my wonderful consultant and am very grateful indeed. Let’s hope that rainbow is on the horizon! xx
Elle, you are a remarkable woman. The strength and positivity you have is inspirational. I have everything crossed for you.
PS I hope Boris is on the mend too x
Thank you Beth. Sending all the love xx
Hi Elle, I follow your blog/instagram and think you are quite amazing. I have a very dark past when it comes to pregnancies and carrying babies but want to urge you not to give up. Before we were blessed with our beautiful sons, my husband & I suffered 6 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. After our 8th loss I decided I had no fight left, I just couldn’t go through the pain time after time anymore. I was so tired and wanted to just give up and admit that it wasn’t to be. Paul (hubby) kept me going and weirdly as soon as I decided enough was enough I fell pregnant with our eldest. It was the longest pregnancy of my life and it wasn’t until after held our son in my arms that I finally relaxed. I know your story is slightly different but I know how that pain feels and even now I still grieve for our lost babies, always wondering what might have been.
Your strength is remarkable, hold on to it and one day you will get your dream.
Thinking of you and Nico and wishing by you all the luck in the world.
Kelly xx
Thank you so much for sharing Kelly. Hearing other peoples stories makes me feel much less alone in this; and knowing that you have gone on to have two boys fills me with great hope. Thank you for your positivity and for following our story. Big love xxx
Elle, I stumbled upon you on instagram a couple of months ago and I love your posts. I am in awe of your strength and courage and you are truly inspiring.
I recently suffered an early miscarriage with my first pregnancy after months and months of trying, and various different investigations into really lonnng cycles.
It’s a scary and worrying time for me and my husband as we start to go down the bumpy trying-to-conceive road again.
Thank you for your honesty and humour. I wish you all the luck in the world for the future, you absolutely deserve it x
Thank you Katie, and thank you for sharing with me. Wishing you lots of luck on your journey to becoming a Mama too. xx
Elle I Can only imagine how utterly despairing you must feel at times, but let me just say the things i can sympathise on are 1) the dildo wand (4 times in 4 months ladies and gents) and 2) the hysteroscopy (absolutely agonising.) I have spent more time lying with my nunny on display to strangers over recent months than i really care to think about, and am so full of pills and injections and other delights that i must rattle and splosh when i walk. I do know though, that it will all be so worth it when i hold my baby in my arms and not just in my heart one day. I hope you tell yourself this too. I have never commented before as i never felt i could do your beautiful posts justice but tonight i just wanted to sympahise with the ttc journey as it is somehing i know all to well. If we can laugh about the ‘dildo wand’ and other moments then we will get through it i’m sure. Much love and luck to you, you lovely human xxx
Thank you Caroline. I am so glad it’s not just me who knows the not-so-joys of that dildo wand! You do start to feel like it’s never ending though don’t you? Wishing you SO much luck for becoming a Mama and sending tons of love. Thank you for sharing; you have made me realise I am not alone. xxx
i am new to your blog. my name is carol anne i am blind i have did and complex ptsd. you’ve gone through a lot! I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope your cycle returns soon. xoxo
Thank you Carol Anne xx
Thank you so much for sharing, it feels as though this stuff just isn’t talked about. I have had a few internal scans in the past and laughed out loud at how you describe it, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I so hope that everything works out for you, I know it probably makes no difference but please know that everyone is rooting for you, hoping for you and keeping everything crossed that you will eventually become a mama for a second time. Xx
Thank you India. Sharing has definitely made me feel less alone! Elle xx
God what a crappy hand you’ve been dealt lately. I wish I had the eloquence of others to say something to ease your pain, but that’s not my gift. What I can say is that your raw honesty and openness hits me between the eyes and in my heart. We all have our private struggles and you have put on such a brave and positive front – make sure you allow yourself a rant and scream too. And don’t beat yourself up about responding to everyone’s notes of sympathy, commiserations and well-wishing – even if you have never met us, we all are here to support you in whatever way you need. xxx
That is so lovely of you to say Abbie. Yes, it has been a tough time this past year; but as my mother always says…”There is always someone worse off than you.” How right she is and I really try to focus on the things we do have in our life. Big love xx
Elle, Loved this blog! ❤.. know that it is o.k not to be o.k all the time!.😙.. Some of us face bigger storms than others in life and I believe this happens because God knows that through our journey & story we will encourage the ones who were never strong enough to do this alone!..xx
Praying & beleiving for your next rainbow!.🌈
Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. xx
Thank you Kim. As I said in my blog post, I do remain optimistic, and I am hoping there shall be a rainbow on the horizon in the not-too-distant future! Love and light to you. xxx
What wonderful, encouraging messages! I am sending you all the positivity that I can muster. You’re one strong lady, and when your rainbow baby arrives, it’s going to have one amazingly sassy mumma, that’s for sure. Much love x
Thank you as always lovely Abi. xx
I don’t usually comment on blog posts, I’m more of a silent follower. But I thought I should let you know this, since I know how disheartening it is to have just one negative comment or feedback and how it leaves your mind dwelling over it for a while. Me and my sister both follow your Instagram and blog, her first born grew his wings 2 years ago and I know she finds such comfort in your blog and Instagram. As do I myself, I love your outlook on life, the hope you have after all you’ve been through. Who gives a fuck if you don’t work and go to garden centres in the week?! Good on you for putting yourself first, not returning to work because of the position it would put you in mentally. Thank you for just being you and posting your little Instagram stories and blog posts.
And thank you Boris to, because who doesn’t want to watch a slightly overweight pug everyday?!
Thank you Amy. I have found that lots of people have felt compelled to contact me these past few days for this exact reason. I really hope your sister has been surrounded by all of the love and support that she needs to help her through. I have learned this past year than sometimes you have to put your wellbeing before anything else. I would have loved to have felt like the “old me” and been able to go back to the career I loved and had worked so very hard for; so it really saddens me to think that a small minority of people can be so callous and judgemental when looking into other people’s life situations without taking the time to consider why that person might have had to make that choice.
I guess my blog and Instagram won’t be for everyone, but I am very glad it is for you and your sister! Thank you for reaching out to me and sending you both lots of love. Elle xx
You have absolutely no reason at all to justify yourself to such negative down right nasty comments… you keep doing what gets you through the day and hmm hmm f**ck anyone who dare judge and comment… if SHE can’t say anything nice then she needs to just shut the f*ck up… ( sorry for the language but it has made me very angry ).
Sending you all our love always xxx
Emma
Thank you so much Emma. No need to apologise for the language at all. In fact, I think you have summed up the situation perfectly! Thank you for your support, everyone’s loveliness has blown me away. It just goes to show that love and positivity will always outweigh the minority of hateful people that we encounter in this life. Big love to you. xxx
Hi Elle,
I don’t usually comment on things but I’d like to take a second to remind you that you don’t have to answer to anyone for anything that you do. I’ve been keeping up with your posts recently and all I’ve seen is an incredibly strong woman making the best out of the shitty hand life has delt you.
It’s the most unusual feeling; to be proud of a complete stranger… that may sound a little creepy to you but I am terribly proud of how you are adjusting to life and all of your amazing fundraising.
Unfortunately not all people are on here for positive reasons but that doesn’t mean they can dull your sparkle. If this “Sarah” put as much time into her life as she does with keeping up with yours I’m sure she’d be a lot happier.
Shame.
Keep smiling, Elle.
Paige. Xx
Thank you Paige. Everyone has been so wonderfully supportive. I honestly cannot thank you enough for following our story and for your kind words.
I have learned that I may not be that person’s cup of tea, but by the looks of my inbox she isn’t the cup of tea for thousands of people who have got in touch with me…….and I know who I would rather be! Big love xxx
I came across your blog during your your fundraising for Teddy . I am really sorry for what happened to Teddy and wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy . But just one thing about Sarah the lady that you have been slagging on Instagram. And before you ask me to unfollow you I already have . Maybe Sarah is one of those people who donated towards your fundraising for Teddy . I am sure you are aware your followers are people who
Sympathise with you because what has happened to you and Teddy . You really don’t have any talent that you are sharing with them . And I think Sarah has a point . You should shame people who are probably supporting you in your fundraising. And as far as shouty is concerned maybe he is one of those people who supported your fundraising too . And all you seem to be doing is laughing at him and rejoicing in the fact that he has another parking ticket . Perhaps you should reflect on what you are doing . You are posting videos of shouty without his permission. Are you aware of laws about sharing stuff without permission.
It does confuse me why people would follow you when all they want to do is leave negative thoughts. I mean, like you haven’t got enough going on right now! You need positive people behind you not the ones to bring you down. You have been through a lot, and suffered a loss that no woman (or her partner) should! You keep posting, I for one like that you have a shouty mcshouterson (I have 3 one side and a whole fleet the other building new houses!) Keeping talking about dildo wands (they are evil) and living your life. Having been through various procedures and an operation to have my little girl I know how hard it is. Keep your head up, we are all behind you, and consider you a friend even though most of us have never met you.
Anyone who doesn’t like and wants to waste their time commenting horrible comments….be warned Boris has an army behind him and our ones 6 stone she hates other dogs (and horrible people) but she happily joins Boris and says ‘do one b**ch!’
Caroline xx
Thank you Caroline, I agree entirely. If I don’t like what someone is doing or if they upset or offend me, then I click unfollow. It really is that simple. I suppose there are just a small minority out there who are incredibly unhappy souls and can only find their happiness by trying to make others feel bad about how they live their lives. You are right, surrounding yourself with positive people and immersing yourself in positive things is all you can do to fight that kind of behaviour.
If I am entirely honest, I have been through hell this past year; losing a child is a pain I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and is something I don’t think you can truly understand until you have experienced it. The women I know who have come through that pain are made of the toughest of stuff; and it takes a lot more that a few hate-filled words to hurt them. So don’t you worry about me; for one hate-filled person, there are always a thousand or more beautiful souls waiting to lift you back up with their positivity.
Sending love to you. xxx
Oh and ‘Sarah’ it’s you’re not your! 👎
If I could “like” this twice…….I would. xx
You are amazing do not let anyone get you down xxxx
Thank you Michelle. xx
I can’t believe anyone would write such a spiteful and totally unwarranted comment through any reason other than downright jealousy! I am sorry to hear of your recent loss. This has to be one of my favourite of your blog posts ever. I too have lost 3 babies in the last 12 months and have undergone 3 ERPC’s also so could totally relate to all this, particularly the dildo wand 😂😂😂
Love to you and best of luck for the future xxx
Thank you Jennifer, although I really cannot see how my life or our situation would be the envy of anyone. I would rather work every day of the year and have my son alive, than to have been landed in our current way of life. I guess you can’t really understand something in it’s entirety until you are in it. I miss my old life; my job, my happiness and going out and having carefree fun; but to a minority I now look like a stay-at-home princess who doesn’t lift a finger. Oh how I wish that was the case.
Thank you for your lovely words and your understanding. I am sorry that you are familiar with my old friend the “DW”. Big love to you. xxx