A letter written to our darling Teddy, the day after his funeral service. Wednesday 15th June 2016.
Dear Teddy,
Yesterday was as heart breaking as I had been expecting. I feel numb. These past four weeks have moved in slow motion as we have built up to saying our final goodbye. The vicar was so lovely; he said so many things that made so much sense to me. “Grief does not last forever, but love does.” I think those words will stay with me forever; and I certainly hope that this feeling does not. I know that our love for you will, all of our love.
Aunty Zoe read so beautifully, I really don’t know how she did it. I could barely say “Amen” at the end of each prayer. Every word she said made me think of you in so much detail all over again. Your rosebud lips, your little soft shoulders and that perfect crease at the back of your neck. I longed just to kiss that little neck just one more time; instead I sat motionless, just staring at the tiny white box you lay inside; my heart was breaking all over again. Daddy has printed out the reading and made it look so beautiful, just like you. I am going to put it into your memory box along with all of your other things when I get around to making your box for you.
Your flowers were simply stunning, I knew they would be. We chose baby blue hydrangeas and babies breath in a perfect wreath for you. I knew Jodie would do a spectacular job, as she had done with our wedding flowers. I want these little things to link us Ted; she did our flowers on our big day, and your flowers on your day. They carried you in to “How long will I love you?” When they carried you out again I suddenly realised that was the last time we would ever be as physically close to one another, in the same room; it tore me apart. I was straining my neck and desperately trying to look past Grandad so that I could watch you until the very last second. Then you were gone; again.
Daddy was incredible, as always. He held my hand so tightly and we hugged so hard when you left; I didn’t want him to ever have to let me go. We both lit candles for you in the church; I hope you got them darling. We love you so very much.
We have decided that we will get your initials engraved inside our wedding rings, I love that idea. I feel like you will always be with us then, in whatever we do. It was Daddy’s idea. So many people are doing lovely things in your memory, I really hope that continues. I want everyone to know your name; that you lived and that you were mine. I want them to know that I am a Mummy, your Mummy. I don’t feel much like one at the moment, I just feel empty and purposeless. When we were at Granny and Granpa’s last weekend, I heard your cousin calling “Mummy” to Aunty Zoe. I cried because I will never hear you call me Mummy. Just know that I am though, and that I will always think of you, no matter what happens to us from now on, or how our lives may change. Always.
Daddy and I didn’t really know what to do with ourselves today. I look out of the window and life goes on; people are on their way to work. I know ours need to go on too; but I just don’t quite know how at the moment? We took Boris on a walk earlier, and all I can feel is something missing. I should be walking beside Daddy with you in your pram; instead it’s just us two, and Boris. Any little task I seem to do feels pointless. I find myself stopping at times in the day and just thinking “What is the point? Why am I doing this?” I seem to be just walking around each day and pretending to get on with life; when really I should be with you. I am only doing it because I have to my darling, no other reason. I think if I were left to my own devices I would have probably shut out the world and locked myself up in the house by now. I can’t do that though, can I?
Everyone is doing what they can; visiting when they can and when we are up to it. I feel as though I have talked about you and cried for you non-stop; I am so tired now. I don’t know what else there is left to say to people? We really need to start thinking about what to do with your room. Tomorrow you should be one month old, it will be the 16th June. We have kept the door closed for now, I felt too scared to even go near that room. It makes me cry knowing that you’ll never see it. Knowing that you will never lie in that cot and stare up at that mobile that I made you just six weeks ago. We had every little detail prepared for you; it still is. Your hospital bag is still packed too, I can’t bear to unpack it. Everything is there, with the exception of the clothes we dressed you in the day you were born, and the ones we put on you the day that you left us. I know that I need to unpack it; I’ll get everything washed again and put it away. We will need to put your pram, car seat and Moses basket away too. There are just all of these things that you’ll never see or use; they were all picked out for you, pink or blue, with so much hope for you my darling.
The midwife is coming to the house tomorrow to discharge me and take my notes away. That will be the last part of my pregnancy over with; the very last part of our time together. All we will wait for now are the reports of what went so wrong for you Teddy. What, perhaps, could have been done to prevent this, to protect you from this? None of it will bring you back to us though, will it? Daddy and I know that, and we will just have to learn to live with that. I just hope in my heart, that whatever they do or don’t find, and whatever conclusion they may come to, that it just allows us to gain some peace. Not so much for us, but for you my sweetheart; I want you to sleep peacefully. I love you so very much and you deserve peace at the very least after all of this.
All my love, always,
Mummy xxx
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
I didn’t want to be a silent reader, I wanted to let you know that I read this beautiful letter. I have rewritten and deleted my words so many times because I don’t feel that anything I can say is profound enough or can make the pain of losing your son go away. I can’t imagine it, so I won’t try. So I’ll say, I wish you and your husband, and your family all the love and happiness.
Xxxx
Heartbreakingly beautiful. My heart aches & my tears fall for such a strong and amazing mother, and family unit. Xxx
So beautifully written xxx
Reading this I felt my heart breaking all over again – for you, and Nico and Teddy; but also for me, and Tom and Findlay. It takes me back to the day of Findlay’s funeral.
Like you, the whole experience passed in a blur; I felt like I was watching it being a pane of glass – seeing it, but not really feeling it. Unable to believe it was real. We also had the florist who did our wedding flowers do Findlay’s flowers, his arrangement using all the flowers from my bridal bouquet.
This morning I went back to the florist, just as I did last year, to order another identical arrangement for Findlay’s second birthday, which we are catapulting towards.
It is so brave of you Elle to share this letter, in all its raw, heartbreaking, yet beautiful purity. Love DOES last forever, although I think for me so does grief, I just wear it differently now than I did in the days and weeks which followed Findlay’s death.
Sending you all so much love and support. You are amazing; you have survived 100% of days without Teddy so far, and I know you will continue to survive many, many more. I hope you know how loved you and your precious boy are, and that you have a place in me hearts and minds of so many.
Keep going, you courageous Mama you; Teddy will be immensely proud of you, and all that you do each day to love, honour and celebrate him xxxxxx
xx
Dear Elle it is heartbreaking to read this beautifully eloquent and poignant letter to your darling Teddy, I am so very sad for you all and sending positive thoughts and love to you 💕👶🏻⭐️
Elle,
Such a raw letter to your darling boy Teddy. Just perfect though.
I was reading it and can imagine that those feelings/words would be just what I believe I would be feeling/saying, had I been in your shoes.
You have achieved some amazing things is Teddy’s honour. And for that, you should be proud as punch that it was all Teddy’s doing that helped to to achieve these things. You two make a awesome team. #teamteddyandmummy
Sending you all my love
Candice Xx
Beautiful Elle, sending lots of love. xx
Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.
Lots of love xxxxxxx
Beautiful my very best wishes to you both
This is such a beautiful letter and had me in tears. You are so brave and I have the upmost respect for you.
I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through. Sending all my love xx
I watch every story, read every blog & see every post
Your such lovely lady, recently I had a tough time, I was so upset one night and when I woke from crying myself to sleep I thought. Shall I email Elle, what would she do if she felt like I do’ I answered my own question because I knew what you would do. Be positive and let the light in & that I did. So without knowing you helped me that day. Your own mummy must be so proud of you, just like Teddy sure is of his mummy xx
Beautifully written Elle xx
Elle,
What beautiful and raw words filled with love.
What a lucky boy Teddy is to have such an amazing Mummy & Daddy like you both.
xxxx
No words seem suitable, unable to convey what I’m trying to say. All I can say is your strength, and your husbands, is amazing. My thoughts are with you all.
Elle, Sending you, Nico and Boris lots of love ❤️As I read each word of this beautifully written letter my heart ached for you all. Teddy is remembered in so many hearts and the legacy he leaves behind will help so many. I hope you find comfort and strength from the love of family and friends xxx
What a beautiful person you are, and so so eloquent. I cried when I read your letter, and wept for my own sorrow. Teddy was so very very lucky to have you and Nico, and you will never ever stop being his Mummy and Daddy. Every day you make me smile and every day you make me think. Thank you Elle for such loveliness. Miranda xx
Beautiful Elle xxx I can’t see for the tears in my ears
Sorry eyes
Absolutely heartbreaking. The reference to his shoulders got me most; as I feel the same about my daughters. All mothers share the same kind of love, for the same things, that probably wouldn’t make sense to anybody else. Thank you for sharing something so private. Beautifully written. Sending love and strength x
I’m so moved by reading this letter that I had to write something but I don’t have the words to convey how so moving your letter to Teddy is. I really hope it helped you, when you wrote it and now when you re read it. Love Kirsty x
I’ve only read the first paragraph, I will try and read the rest later but I’m too heartbroken for you to carry on reading. You are so brave, an absolute inspiration. I watch your stories every day and I think you’re amazing. Your stories get me especially because I also have a Teddy who was born a few days before your Teddy in May last year. We adopted him when he was 2 weeks old. I just want you to know that I think your Teddy would be incredibly proud of his mummy. Sent with lots of love xxx
Heartbreaking. I am so sorry your Teddy never came home. So sorry you will not get to hear him call Mummy. You will always be a mum and I hope you and your Teddy find some peace. Much love xx
Such lovely but heartbreaking words. You are so brave and kind to share your most precious memories and thoughts about your little Teddy with us and I can only imagine that it may give some comfort to other Mamas and Daddys who have also lost their little ones. You seem like such a lovely down to earth lady and I truly hope that you and your husband (and Boris) are happy. Rest in peace Teddy x
Elle,
You’re so brave and courageous to post such raw emotions but one day you can look back on your posts and know that you survived. You can breath and whilst there’s an empty place in your heart, you’re still here living, living in honour of your beautiful boy and those other families who you’re so wonderfully helping to support.
Your words are beautiful and my heart goes out to you and your family.
Love really does last forever, it never fades but grows with you. I’m sure Teddy is super proud of you too.
Sending you my thoughts and love,
Karly
xxx
Oh Elle, I’ve just read this with tears rolling down my face. So beautifully written and so brave of you too open up such a personal letter to us all. Thankyou.
You are a perfect mummy to Teddy and I’m sure he would be very proud to call you mummy. Sending lots of love to you and Nico and yet another ‘1st’ xx
Sat here crying because of how sad what you are going through is, and will always continue to be, and also how beautifully you write to Teddy. But also in awe as always of how you have handled yourself in the first year and a month of being a mama, and how strong you have had to be. Sending so much love xx
What an amazing mummy you are! Unbelievable strength and positivity you exude through your blog and Instagram even in the hardest of times. I cant imagine your pain however if I ever had to go through this situation I hope that I have even an ounce your dignity and love. Teddy would be so proud of his mummy. Laura xxx
I’m not sure I can find the correct words but need to comment on such an emotional piece of writing.
Once again I sit here thinking how unfair life is to some of us. This letter is heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you & your family have had to go through it- I am in awe of your positivity and strength. I think you’re amazing 🤗
I’m normally a silent reader but I couldn’t just read and run! The fact that you were able to write this so eloquently the day after shows what a brave and strong woman you are! Teddy would be so proud. Much love xx
You are so incredible Elle, and Nico too. Like others on here – I too am a silent reader and Instagram fan, but it would I couldn’t not comment as I was so moved and totally drawn into your letter. Thank you for letting us into your lives and sharing something so raw and emotional with us. You are so strong and admirable and Teddy would be bursting with pride for your bravery and your big heart. Sending love to yourself, Nico and Boris. xx
Just sat with my two little boys watching TV and reading this and I can’t stop crying…. this is the most beautiful and heart breaking thing I have ever read. I think of you and your husband all the time and I can’t even let myself go to that place emotionaly of where you have both been it’s too horrific. I will always keep you, your husband and teddy in my prayers. I think you show extordinary strength and courage everyday! And as you can see talking about teddy it gives people hope and comfort knowing that they aren’t alone. Sending lots of love xxxx
Like the first comment, I didn’t want to be a silent reader of something so personal. Your letter is a difficult read so I can only imagine the pain behind the words when you wrote it. Your husband’s idea for your wedding bands is beautiful. Thinking of you both and wishing you happier times ahead x
You are all incredibly brave. You, Nico and Teddy. I can’t imagine the grief or pain you must have felt and still do. What a wonderful woman you are to do all you do in Teddys memory to help others. Lots of love to you all ❤️
Wow, beautifully written and had me crying my eyes out. I have never had a loss like you and your husband have so won’t pretend to know what you have been through. You are an amazing couple and I am sure that Teddy is very proud of his parents. Much love to you x and lots of cuddles and strokes to Boris
This is so heartbreaking but so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing something that is so precious and intimate for you and Nico. Sending my love xx
Elle, I hardly feel qualified to comment since I’m not a mum myself, nor have I been through the same experience as you, but I am in absolute floods after reading this, thank you for sharing this very intimate writing with all of us. I don’t really know what else to say except that I am sending much love and light to you across cyberspace and think you are wonderful. Xx
I have read this letter and your beautiful words through tears and cannot possibly imagine how you, your husband and your family have dealt with your grief.
Teddy would be ever so proud of you and all the things you do in his memory.
You are a wonderful mummy 💙
I wish lots of love and happiness to you for your future xxx
What a lucky boy to call you both his parents. I follow you on Instagram and your spirit is infectious and inspiring all at once. Beautifully written from the very depths of your heart. ❤️
So raw and heartbreaking 💔 But beautifully written xx
So beautiful, Elle. Your way with language never ceases to amaze me, so beautifully crafted with so much love within every single line. All my love to you all xxx (@athomeinhoneyfields)
Elle, you are so strong and brave – as is your husband. To document all these emotions and allow other women who will unfortunately go through or are going through this a chance to know that they are not alone, is inspirational. Nothing I can say, as a stranger will offer any comfort but I send all my love and all my prayers yours and your families way. x
I shed a little tear for you both and for little Teddy. What a beautiful letter. So so sorry for this huge loss. X
Dear Elle – such beautiful words and such love for your Teddy. I am sending you my love xxxx
Elle,
Although I am not a Mother myself I felt every word you wrote, and the way you write always has an amazing way of doing that.
You have done exactly what you told Teddy you would; we all know his name, we all know his legacy which continues to help more and more babies and parents each day, and we all know that you are an amazing mummy and your Husband is an amazing daddy.
Your strength and courage to talk so openly and honestly is a constant inspiration.
All my love
Emily
A year ago you wrote this….
“I want everyone to know your name; that you lived and that you were mine. I want them to know that I am a Mummy, your Mummy.” And today, only a year later all of your followers, and more, know your story. They know Teddy lived and what he stands for, they know the love You, Nico and those closest to you have for Teddy and they have watched you blossom into someone stronger than ever before.
You should be immensely proud of everything you have achieved and all the money and hope you have and continue to give.
Thank you for being there on your strongest days, but also on your quieter days too – I imagine Teddy is very proud to call you his Mummy..!
Keep doing what you do and thank you. 🙂 x x x
So beautiful.. You are one wonderful mummy xx
Dear Elle
I started following you on Instagram from an interior perspective as I have massive style envy everytime I look at pictures of your beautiful home and your insta stories (particularly Boris) make me chuckle. Since becoming acquainted with your heartbreaking story and loss of Teddy, I am simply in awe of the raw, eloquent and loving way in which you write about him. You are in inspiration to mothers and those that have lost. You are an amazing mummy. Sending lots of love and positivity your way on this difficult day. I hope you find the light you deserve.
Laura
Such beautiful words. You are one strong, brave and utterly wonderful mummy. I read your blogs and watch your instastories and you are just such an inspirational lady. Lots of love xxx
Reading this beautiful letter reminded me that you and your Teddy helped me to answer such a difficult question when caring for a bereaved mother very recently. She felt strange that she wanted to celebrate her sons birth & share him with the world even though he would never be her take home baby. When she asked me was this ok and was she still a mother, I instantly thought of you both. I only hope that the words I found brought her some comfort. A mother is someone who’s life has been changed forever by a child and that’s who she was now, forever changed by a little boy. A boy who made her a mother.
Such a beautifully written letter xx
This is so. Eautifyl. Full of heartfelt emotion and love.
That was meant to say beautiful!!
Beautiful xx
You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. I’ve never read anything that has brought out such emotion. Wow. So beautifully written and so eloquently put xxx
This is so beautifully written. My heart broke for you as I read it. I’ve been watching your Insta stories for a while and you are a lovely person and very inspiring. Sending you lots of love xx
Oh Elle, this is oh so brave and so beautifully written to your little man, Teddy. Your strength is utterly incredible and I have nothing but admiration for you. Thank you for sharing, so much love, Abby (thishomemadehome) X
So moving. Tears are streaming down my face for you. Nico sounds like an amazing man too. So glad you have each other… Love that truly lasts forever… xx
I really admire you for getting through all of this being such a lovely person. It is beyond my imagination how you did it. As far as I ‘know’ you from here and your instagram, you seem like such a warmhearted and positive person. Keep going strong, you really are an inspiration xx
Heartbreaking, raw and so utterly perfectly beautiful just as your Teddy deserves. Your so much braver than you realise, what a fantastic mummy you are for sharing in yours and Teddys story. Wishing you & Nico every hope for happiness in the future and Teddy peaceful dreams from the stars xxx
Beautiful words Elle, you can feel your everlasting love for Teddy in each word.
You are an inspiration, as I write this with tears in my eyes I feel no words will do that statement justice! Sending you lots of love xxx
Such beautiful, heartbreaking words. Sending you peace and love 💫✨💫
Brave, beautiful and wise. You are a wonderful lady and a true inspiration. xxxx
You will forever be a beautiful family who loved and was loved. In what ever universe, nothing can ever change that. xxxxx
What a wonderful mummy you are.
Heartbroken just reading this. Sending love to a beautiful family x
I have no words except that teddy is very lucky to have a wonderful mummy such beautiful words 💙
This was so heartbreaking to read! I hope you are okay! You are an amazing woman.
I don’t even know what to say. It’s inconceivable what you both went through & are very likely still going through. I didn’t just have tears in my eyes reading this, I was full on blubbing. Your love for Teddy above yourselves comes through so strongly in that letter. Wishing you both so much happiness for the future as you deserve it. xx
Beautiful Elle, you’re beautiful inside and out. There are no words. Sending you love, light and twinkles xx
Oh bless you. I’m so sorry this has happened x
Every single amazing piece of your writing that I read reminds me to be so thankful and grateful for my three beautiful children… and I can’t thank you enough for that, Elle. Your Teddy is a true blessing and is very, very lucky to call you his Mummy & Daddy – you are such a brave girl and I couldn’t wish for the ultimate happiness more for you if I tried… like you utterly deserve xxx
Such a beautiful letter. You are a very special mummy. xx
Beautifully written. Sending you good vibes.
So beautifully written. My heart goes out to you x
Elle, I have long been a ‘fan’ of yours on Instagram – I enjoy your daily updates and I admire your story. I decided to read this whilst on my afternoon break at work, and I am now sat at my desk with tears rolling down my face. This letter is written beautifully, I know that nothing I say is going to relieve the heartache that you feel but thank you for sharing your story, for being so open and honest. I know I speak for all of your followers when I say that if we could relieve any pain, even for 30 seconds, we would. You are a Mummy to beautiful Teddy, you show that in all that you do. I better go and get a tissue now and wipe my eyes, but even when the tears stop, my heart will continue to ache for you both. We cannot pretend to understand how you have felt, or how you feel now – but we can be here to offer support and kind words. Thank you Elle, and I am so sorry x
Just Beautiful. Always In Your Heart. Your Gorgeous Little Boy 💙
Hi Elle
I stumbled across your page today on instagram and as I lay here in bed with my baby Florence I have read some of your blog posts about Teddy. I have tears streaming down my face and a lump in my throat. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel but I just want to say I think you are amazingly strong. I wish you all the happiness, health and love in the world, you deserve it x
Just beautiful. You are a really beautiful writer. I am sure Teddy is reading this. I am going to buy your book now.