Just because you see a rainbow, and it’s beautiful, and it’s wonderful, and it makes your heart smile; it doesn’t mean that the rain didn’t just happen. It did. Everything is soaked, including you.
Of course, I’m not talking about the weather, am I? No, I am talking about babies (no surprises there then?!). What I want to say here may not come out in the intended way; but I am going to give it my best shot and see what happens. Obviously we want another baby, quite badly now I might add. Teddy should have been two in May, even if he had lived; I think I still would have hoped I was pregnant with another healthy pregnancy by now. Alas, neither.
The more people contact me via social media of late, the more I get “Praying for some good news for you” or “Cannot wait until you announce your rainbow news .” Phew, no pressure. I know what a kind place these comments are coming from. It’s human nature isn’t it? Something sh*t happens, so naturally we want it to follow up with something happy. Of course we do. In this scenario; the sh*t being that Teddy died, and the “happy” being that hopefully a rainbow baby will come along and bless our lives with happiness once again. There is one problem though; Teddy still died.
Photo by Rock My Style blog
No matter what changes as we move forward, one more child or ten more children (Like my pelvic floor could handle the latter?!) there will always be one missing. One less person around the dinner table, one less pair of wellies by the back door, one less “Mum” being shouted as these metaphorical future children argue over the TV remote (or iPad, or whatever it is siblings will inevitably fight over in the next decade). Always, one less.
Sometimes I think we are so programmed to think that one thing replaces another broken thing in our lives; that we quite literally allow our brains to apply this very concept to every part of life. Car broken? Then get a new one. Job awful? Change it and get a new one. iPhone screen smashed (again)? Get a new one. Baby died? Get a……. Nope, doesn’t work like that. It’s not that I think, in anyway, people are intentionally saying they think another baby will fix it all for us; but the insistence in the comments and speculation that there will be another one along soon, just adds to the mounting pressure that you had better give your family/friends/society some happy news soon, or everyone is bound to start to believe that it might not happen?
Photo by Rock My Style blog
We are trying; believe me when I say I am trying my very best. As I have written about honestly in previous posts, when we lost our second baby at nearly fifteen weeks of pregnancy in January last year, my body had suffered severe trauma. As had my emotions. The only thing that will fix that is time, and looking after yourself; mentally and physically. I am just about getting there. My periods finally returned in October, after having given up the ghost for nine months; and all medical investigations of late seem to show that there is no physiological reason why I couldn’t fall pregnant again. I have been to see a Chinese Herb Doctor, in my latest quest to shed some light on my overall state of health, and to try and make (yet) another attempt to be doing something to improve my natural fertility. I guess we shall see if that “helps” things along?
The point is, everything has been done, is being done, to try to make the happy news happen. You can’t rush life though can you? I think we think we can; but ultimately we cannot. These things happen when they happen, and we just all have to sit on the sidelines and wait; no matter how hard we might be cheering for the outcome to go our way. A rainbow baby will change things, he or she will give us someone to hold, someone to pour our love into. If I am honest, probably so much love that the poor little thing won’t know what has hit? So much love and angst and grief has been felt in our home since Teddy died, and we are just waiting for that one piece of happy news to soften the last two, a little.
Photo by Rock My Style blog
A rainbow will also bring its own worries. It won’t be a stress free or happy pregnancy; no matter how much I wish it would be. In the past year I have seen friends who have had healthy rainbow babies after losing their first born, and all of them have struggled with intense mixed emotions; renewed grief, worry, fear, guilt. Not things an expectant mother should be weighed down by; but carrying a rainbow is different. A new perspective on pregnancy perhaps? Knowing what should be, and what can actually become your reality, makes things so much harder.
I know there will be people reading this, thinking perhaps I am writing this because I am pregnant? Sorry to disappoint. I have had people write to me in recent weeks saying things like “I just had a feeling that you might be pregnant and I had to tell you.” Again, I don’t think messages like that are sent with any intent to hurt feelings or cause me unnecessary anxiety; but telling someone you think they might be pregnant, when that person has lost their newborn son, lost another pregnancy, and has since suffered a year of fertility issues and constant consultant appointments? I know that society is much more open now, and I think that social media has changed many people’s perspective of where the line is, but I think that just might be crossing it.
Of course, even if I had been pregnant and someone sent a message to say they “had a feeling” would I tell them? Would I tell anyone that I was pregnant “next time”? I am yet to decide. I know that concealing something like that would be a likely impossibility; but I would consider it. I have heard many people who have suffered miscarriages previously say things like “I just needed to get past the number of weeks I was when I lost the baby.” That was when they thought it would be okay. That was when they felt less anxious, or that they could begin to tell people they were pregnant. What if the point that you lost your baby was the night after they were born at 39 weeks + 3 days? What if that was when it all went wrong? Teddy fought for another three days before we lost him. He died the day before his due date. What if my anxiety is so strong until that point that it is crippling, and that I am so scared the same thing might happen again, that I simply cannot share it with the world for the fear that it might actually happen? That’s the reality we will face in any subsequent pregnancy. No matter how many there are. Perhaps just keep in mind that that “happy news” won’t be such blissfuly happy news for us until we are walking out of a hospital with a baby who is four days old; that might be the moment?
There might be a rainbow one day, but we are still soaked.
Elle x
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
This resonates so strongly with me. Since we lost our little girl, people have said ‘well someone I know lost a baby & went on to have a beautiful healthy baby.’ I know they think they are being helpful but it doesn’t make you feel any better about the baby that is no longer here.
I think you are brave and wonderfully honest about such a private difficult personal issue and it annoys me greatly in life that people always need to have an opinion on a women’s baby making journey. I personally hated the questions but learnt over time to deal with them and answer them how I wanted! Choosing what to do in a subsequent pregnancy is difficult I personally told the few people close to me that I needed for support and then didn’t really mention it! Obviously it became very obvious I was pregnant from around 24weeks! From here on if someone asked I talked about but was always very honest about my 2 previous losses then I felt some of the pressure was taken away somehow! Good luck with everything, I hope you enjoy your weekend away x
I just have to say I’m going to be 62 years old soon and I still get emotional thinking or talking about the 3 miscarriages I had more than 30 years ago. I can’t imagine what it was for you actually being able to hold your baby to then loose him.I agree you can’t replace a child. I still wonder what those babies were, what they would have been like. When you have a miscarriage most people didn’t even know you were pregnant . You mourn alone. Even the people that knew you were pregnant think it’s not a big deal because they don’t see it as a real being. But my body thought it was real and my mind believed it was real, and my heart thought it was real, so I mourned alone. Your post help me to feel validated in my feelings. I also struggled with fertility afterwards and I did have-my own theories which ended up being correct, which was scar tissue built up so the babies were having a hard time staying attached . I happy to say I went on to have 3 boys who are now wonderful men. They bring me joy but no they are not replacements.
Love your honesty! I’m afraid I’ve been one of those prize tits who have said that to you! (I promise it does come from a genuine place of hope for you) but I can totally understand that pressure. There are no words to say but keep writing these beautiful posts. P.s absolutely loved seeing you running with inpolife 😘
Elle What a honest post 💙as always . Have a lovely wkend xxxx
So heartfelt Elle- I havnt experienced the grief you have had but after 2MC decided to hide my pregnancy until 37 weeks ( although it wasn’t easy and people felt veryyyyy awkward 🙈🙈) ! I didn’t conceive easily with either of mine and that stab in the heart when someone asked if we weren’t pregnant yet or someone else announcing theirs was seriously painful… so I can’t imagine the hurt in your instance! You are an amazing mum and your right …it’s all a matter of time,..Tho patience is a tough one … I have NONE !! All my love
Xxx
💔
Elle, I cannot believe where some people clearly feel the line is. I know the messages are well meaning but I can’t imagine the undue stress that adds to you. A lot of us are soaked for various reasons. Commenting has to be so carefully. No one has ever walked exactly in your shoes or anyone elses.xx
Beautiful Elle. Sending you so much admiration, love and hope x
Oh Elle ❤️
This Is so kindly And thoughtfully written about such an insensitive but well meaning question.
Every time you write around this subject I feel I could have written it (although definitely not as well!!)
After both our miscarriages everyone said the same thing and to be honest I kind of believed them.
And then we had Harry, for 35 weeks inside and 35 minutes outside before he stopped breathing.
That was 6 weeks ago and I have been asked already if we will be using contraception. Oh please!! I know people mean well but my heart is not yet ready to take on another journey and I don’t know when it will. Harry can never be replaced and our family will always have a missing piece.
Thinking of you, Nico and Teddy, as I do so often. And so thankful for you sharing your story – I think mine wouldn’t be as positive if I hadn’t read yours first. Xx
❤
Another beautifully written blog that could have come straight from my heart if I’m being honest. We lost our first son at 17 weeks in September 2002 and I didn’t fall pregnant again until september 2006 (mostly because we didn’t try again for a couple of years but even when we did it still took around 18months to happen). A lot of our friends and family didn’t know about our first loss because we hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant and when I lost him it happened so quickly I felt like I couldn’t process it so my way of dealing with it was to hideaway and pretend nothing had happened to the outside world. So when we announced our second pregnancy I found it really hard to get caught up in everyone else’s excitement. I even got accused of “not seeming very grateful” when I turned down the offer of a baby shower type party (they weren’t really a thing in the uk back then) but the truth is I wasn’t only scared that the same thing might happen again (even being told there was no medical reason why it should) but I was scared I would resent the new baby for surviving when their brother hadn’t stood a chance and I was racked with guilt every time I imagined sharing that “mummy” love that had been exclusively for my first baby with a new one. (I’ve since learnt that guilt never leaves, I have 3 more sons now and I have felt guilty each time I’ve been pregnant, almost like I’m cheating on my existing children with the not yet born child!)
I don’t know what the point of my message is! I guess I just wanted to stand in solidarity with you. Our stories are different, as are everyone’s, but the emotions (love/fear/hope/guilt) are the same and there’s something comforting in the thought that you are walking in the footsteps of countless other mums and we all have a silent understanding of the feelings we share. Much love xx
Elle, you are truly inspiring. ♥️
As always, a beautiful and thought provoking read. Thank you for continuing to share your story.
Your strength to write this will help so many mummy’s, you should be so proud of your strength to speak so openly and honestly. Beautiful words xx
Perfect description of how it feels 💙♥ my daughter should be 5 this year 💔
You are such a beautiful sole! 💙
I find it utterly incredible that anyone would say that/ask those things of a friend never mind someone they don’t know and that’s the problem with social media. Some people will read the blog and consider you a friend and because of that are overly familiar. There is a balance to be struck and sometimes it’s totally missed. It must have been a very difficult post to write.
Perfect as always. Sending you and Nico (and Boz) so much love xxx
Your words resonate with so many people Elle. We suffered two miscarriages last year just before 12 wks and I found going into the New Year really difficult. Lots of people said ‘2018 will be the year for you’ which just made me think, how do you know?…and what if it isn’t? I need to gather strength to try again. One person said ‘hopefully you will get pregnant this year and hold onto this one’. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything.
Your words will help a lot of women, thank you x
I can totally relate to this Elle. We lost our daughter 4 years ago at 19 days old. When we were ready to try again, things just didn’t work out as we expected. 2 miscarriages and an ectopic and lots of tests and acupuncture and wondering if we should give up. We now have a 6 month old daughter and i am grateful every day. I know that nothing is guaranteed to us in this life..but I wanted to say that i remember that pressure and expectation. In many ways the extended gap helped us more than I ever expected. I guess I just wanted to say i hear you, and I am sending you lots of hope for the future xxx
(P.S I also have a son, he is 6, and his name is Teddy – fab name!)
Another amazing share from such a brave Mum x my heart really does go out to you and after five years with nothing to hold I truly feel ur pain and the pressure your under x thank you for sharing you are an inspiration! Xxx much love n best wishes
❤️
So well written Elle. I remember my sister in laws first pregnancy after their son died, every day was filled with worry, in their case until week 40.
For my brother one of the hardest things was after their daughter was born, and everyone asking how many children he had……wanting to say 2 and not deny their son, but knowing the easiest answer for others was to say just the one.
Baby loss is with you always, maybe just slightly less painful over time. Sending much love. Teddy must be so proud of his amazing Mum xxx
Very honest, and beautifully written. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone… sadly since my son Jude died strangers and friends think it gives them an open invitation to comment on our family planning. We’ve since had another son and unfortunately it still seems people comment and feel comfortable making statements like ‘at least you have Carter’. Like you say babies are simply not replaceable. Your honesty will protect others from these unhelpful comments – I’m just sorry it’s a post you’ve had to write. Thinking of you.
That piece is always missing but in different ways as the years pass by. Eight years since our first born son was cremated. Am very lucky that three healthy babies have arrived since then, but I’m pretty sure that the last one owes her existence to her biggest brother as three children wouldn’t have happened had it not been for our first loss. Pregnancy was always hard after loss, I tried my best not to punch in the face all the people floating around in the blissful pregnancy bubble, completely unaware of all the heartbreak and gut wrenching anxiety I was going through. Also sympathise with your experience of people wanting to fill “empty arms”. Thanks for that people, will crack on with the straight away in the midst of the grief and the complete mental breakdown.
😢 you really hit the nail on the head with how people think/say/react/do things. Your writing is so lovely to read. I don’t have a baby loss story but I am adopted from two parents that had schizophrenia. I’ve lived with anxiety and identity issues and what I’ve learnt is that god allows what he hates, to accomplish what he loves. I think you are such a strong person to do what you’ve done with your page and charity work. Im now a police officer and I know that my past was to prepare me for my future and to ripple through other people’s lives to help them. I’m addicted to your Instagram stories and your doing so much more than you know for more people than you know. I did wonder about the second baby thing and how someone would feel about it but again, things you don’t normally ask so you putting it on here is helping again. Much love. Keep going xxxx
So well written and so needed. You do an amazing job at opening people’s eyes to the heartache and difficulties baby loss brings. Thank you xxx
I feel more informed after reading this and I know that is what you always want to do – keeping telling that story. Xx Gemma
Beautifully written x
Beautifully written Elle. You are an inspiration for mothers. So correct in what you say. Love to you xx
You are amazing 💖
Thank you Hayley xx
Oh Elle, why do your blogs about Teddy and your journey always make me cry..💙.. That pain and loss you experience when you lose a child is one I know too well! I do think people feel they have to say ((something)) to encourage and bring hope to our broken hearts, you know people mean well but for someone to tell you they feel you might be pregnant is awful, Im sure your under enough pressure yourself without that being said! I Love how you write with such honesty…💕…The anxious thoughts will come and go and if/when you are blessed with another pregnancy don’t let the pain of the past steal the Joy of your Present, Fear has a great way of stealing our Joy but we don’t have to let it!.. Praying for you in this season of waiting Elle, that above all else you have a peace within and a joy in your heart!..xx
Thank you Kim. I absolutely agree, peoples comments always come from the kindest of places, but sometimes are a little hard to be on the receiving end of. Thank you for your positivity! xx
Beautifully written. I have no experience of what you are going through but I ‘get it’. I guess it would be so easy to let yourself believe that a new baby is needed to take awwy the pain of losing one, and become so fixated on that only to be blessed with that new baby and be hit with the realisation that the pain isn’t taken away. You are an inspiration and your outlook on life is so positive. I sincerely wish you all happiness with your future! Xx
That is really lovely of you to say Becky, thank you for taking the time to read this post and for your positive vibes……always appreciated! xx
This is so beautifully written. Xx
Thank you Danielle, that is so very kind of you to say. xx
So beautifully written as always Elle, you gave me shivers. Sending love and strength x
Thank you Suzy for always taking the time to read my posts. xx
Honestly – you’ve basically written my exact thoughts. It’s so tough and the pressure is immense. We’re 16 months in to trying. I feel a lot like life is on hold, despite trying to fill it with lots of memories etc. Thank you for writing such a beautiful post and sharing your experiences as always . ❤️
I am so pleased to hear that my writing has resonated with you Nicola. Thank you for reading. xx
Another open & honest post Elle 💛. Your beautiful words always blow me away xx
Thank you Alison, that is so kind of you to say. xx
Beautifully said. After losing our baby 10 months due to a terminal illness, and an ectopic pregnancy, I am now 30 weeks with our third baby and hoping this is the baby that can finally stay earth side. We haven’t announced our pregnancy formally, certainly not to our social media followers, and really only tell people if we see them as it’s obviously unavoidable now. People say ridiculous things in their giddy happiness for us and at first I was so angry about it. Now I’m coming to terms with the fact that we are everyone’s worst nightmare and they all want to see something positive finally happen to rationalise how they view life. People struggle to accept that grief and sadness is an inevitable part of life. They don’t want it to happen to them, they can’t bear the thought of it. So instead they grab onto the happiness as though it wipes everything else out. Whereas we know it doesn’t, we learn to live with the grief as part of our lives…
Thank you for sharing Pia. Sending all the love and best wishes for the safe arrival of your little one. xx
The openness (or rudeness?!) that people discuss others’ fertility these days really baffles me. When we were trying (& repeatedly losing – I have had 11 pregnancies for my 3 children) for a rainbow it started to break me, so I threw myself massively into my career. Typically – when I was doing very well in my job, I fell pregnant…and when I finally felt pregnant ‘enough’ to tell people at work (26 weeks) SO many said “oh wow…..was that..intentional?” with the inference being that I had just destroyed my future career. I felt like screaming “no not intentional at all, I’ve just spent 6 years having major operations and endless drugs and injections and horrible procedures in the hope I never have another baby” – it was infuriating. And yes the pregnancy was awful, and the newborn days stressful…but now he is almost 2 and he’s been the cherry on our cake in more ways than I ever would have believed. And bits of me are still damp but his sunshine dried us out more than we were expecting. Big love, Elle x
Oh Liz, I am so very sorry that you have had to endure those kind of comments from people. Thank you for taking the time to read this post and I hope that my words have resonated in some way. All the love, Elle xx
This couldn’t have been written more perfectly- I feel the same, I don’t feel like there will ever be a time where I will be worry free. I’m 8 months now and my Teddy was perfect until birth so I know I’m not going to be ok till at least this baby’s birth, but even then I think I will worry as I know anything can happen at any time. And I also know having this baby will in no way replace the emotions I have for Teddy! My baby boy is gone and his little brother is not a replacement, he is an addition and hose emotions I have for my first born are as strong and raw as ever.
Xx
Thank you Lauren. I am so pleased to hear that my words resonated with you after experiencing another pregnancy after the loss of your son. Sending all the love xx
I know you wont think like this now but you will.
Your new baby (whenever that time may be) would never have been if it wasn’t for Teddy not making it.
I had 3 miscarriages before i had my son, then four following, two being eptopic where the removal of my tubes closed to the doors to any more but i look at my son and if the three pregnancies before him had been successful, he wouldn’t be here and i would not change the path had to go down for anything.
I lost a puppy (Jerry – Cockapoo)) 6 months into his life after deciding to get a dog to act as a playmate for our only child, was one of the saddest things, yet a year later we had Cooper (another Cockapoo) and i look at him and think you wouldn’t be here if Jerry hadn’t of passed away. I am aware the puppy is not on the same scale as a child.
Thank you Sarah. I think we are at a point now that any subsequent baby born would have been here anyway if Teddy was still Sith us, as we would have hoped for a two year (or so) age gap. Sadly for us, I think losing a child after birth will always, always be there, and the size of the hole he has left remains the same. Thank you for taking the time to read the blog post and for sharing your story with me. xx
Elle, I follow your lovely funny instastories and beautifully written blog but very rarely comment however this post really struck a cord.
I think you are so brave to put yours and Teddy’s story out there to raise awareness and help other parents in similar situations despite this opening you up to opinions and comments from many people, some who don’t know where to draw the line. People often feel compelled to say something…anything and it’s quite often not well thought out or not what you need to hear! I remember during our long eventful journey to being parents a random friend of my dads asked my husband loudly in the pub “how’s the IVF going?” Needless to say hubby didn’t cope too well with that 🤣
All you can do is keep going….doing what is best for you and your family. Taking care and being kind to yourself
Much love ❤️
Your raw emotion and ability to share with others is truly inspiring. After a long and finally successful battle of Ivf heartache I genuinely believe that these toughest of challenges shape us like no other experience could and then enable us to connect on such a fundamental level with others. Thankyou for connecting with me and so genuinely sorry to have read of your loss of your beautiful Teddy xxx
You brave, honest, fantastic mummy. Love you Elle x
So sorry for your loss. You are one amazing lady. I found Abraham Hicks in the last couple of years and it has transformed my life ..i hope it will help you too xx
Oh lovely Elle. You put very difficult feelings into words so beautifully. My lost little loves will always be wrapped up in the strands of my DNA. Irreplaceable and each unique. They changed me emotionally and physically. I am sure a rainbow would bring colour to our skies but nothing will make us forget this storm. Thank you for putting into words something I couldn’t quite verbalise. So much love to you xxx
I just want to say I love your writing style – it’s heartfelt, raw, to the point and you’ve inspired me in more ways than you could ever know. I 100% relate to this post, we lost out twins at 5 months pregnant and yet 3 months is meant to be you’re out of the ‘danger zone’. I feel like you’re never out of the danger zone, there is no safe point or right time to share the news but I guess it just has to be right for you. I’m adamant that if it ever happens again for us I’m going into hiding! Stay strong and keep writing – it becomes a therapy right? xx
Elle I’m completely blown away by this beautiful & truly honest piece of writing. I’m a mum to two children, I’ve been pregnant four times, each pregnancy has been very complicated & traumatic in its own way – your words really touched me, they connected with a part of me that I’ve perhaps closed off, I guess in order to protect myself. Thank you for being you & sharing so honestly about such a god awful question & it’s consequences. x x
As bit of a side note – a mental health professional I really feel that this post should also be read by all professionals who work in pre & post natal care. I think it could have a real positive impact on our practice with adults who have experienced the loss of child.
I’ve just listened to you on Happy Mum, Happy Baby podcast. My son was overdue and had a very traumatic entrance and had to be extensively revived. He is my first baby. He is, thankfully, doing well and is now happy and healthy. I want to thank you for sharing your story. I have never managed to bring myself to think about what might have been and therefore have not allowed myself to properly process our experience or embrace my fear that this could all happen again and perhaps with not such a positive outcome. I’m so sorry for your loss but I feel so grateful that you have found the strength to turn such tragedy into such a wonderful thing. You and Teddy are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Just wanted to say thank you, Elle. I can totally relate to everything you’ve written, you are an inspiration the way you write so honestly!
You’re right, nothing will change the grief from such a huge loss and not many people understand. But by being so beautifully honest, you’re helping raise awareness and helping all of the women who are also grieving for what ever reason. Thank you! X
Beautifully put. I struggle with the “rainbow and storm” terminology among the loss community. I still feel as though the Afterloss is a separate, upside down world and everything is just the same yet totally different.
I only found your blog & Instagram today. I thank you for sharing your mom life so honestly with us.
*mom of three lovely daughters and one sweet boy who had to say goodbye before we could really say hello (W.H.O.O. 21/07/17)
We lost our baby at 12.5weeks; we had just started to tell family & friends about our happy news when we lost her, at home just before Christmas. The grief was horrific & with being a stay at home mum to two small children, 6 months later I’m still finding the pain comes in waves of grief & nausea. I decided to see a counselor & whilst that helps; I’m desperately lonely. My husband ignores me & whilst things were good for a while; they are currently awful at present.
We are 14weeks pregnant & im anxious nervous happy excited sad upset & grieving still. It’s such a mix bag of emotions with no support structure. We haven’t told some family yet & I haven’t told many friends yet.. I don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable to do this. I’m showing a neat bump & I really do want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy but I’m utterly exhausted & minding two little ones; there’s just no timeout
I listened to your podcast on Parenthood today & really enjoyed it & felt such comfort. Thank you for your voice & platform to speak out xx
You speak so much sense. A totally different take I realise but I’m about to remarry after being widowed. I’m regularly congratulated on how it’s all turned out so well and I just want to scream ‘but he still died’!!! In the same way that having another baby won’t make what happened to Teddy ok, me getting married again won’t ever make it ok that my daughter lost her Dad and I lost my soulmate and the person I’d chosen to grow old with. It’s not something you get over, what comes after doesn’t make it better, it just makes it different xxx