Despite the chaotic nature of our son Jasper’s sudden and unexpected arrival, the time we spent with him was calm, peaceful and beautiful. When I look at the handful of pictures I have of me holding him, all I see is an expression of shock and disbelief on my face. That makes me sad, as it doesn’t reflect the beauty of the precious time we had with him.
On 24th May 2017 Jasper made a dramatic entrance into the world as a result of me going into premature labour at 23+2 weeks. Despite doctors’ best efforts it quickly became apparent that his tiny body was not ready for the outside world and intervention was withdrawn. All we could do as his parents was take in every detail of him while we held him in our arms, hope that he felt our love and that he wasn’t in pain. I remember looking at my husband and then at the doctor in disbelief as he wriggled in my arms; I couldn’t understand how the perfect, beautiful little boy in my arms could possibly be dying. Although we knew Jasper’s time on earth was limited, we were filled with happiness that he was here and we were with him. I know he was tiny but somehow he didn’t seem that small at the time. He was beautiful and he was our son and that’s all that mattered. We just tried to take in every detail of his being: his nose, his cute little chin, and his small but perfectly formed hands that gripped around our finger, his beautiful little lips and delicate limbs. There was definitely a little bit of both of us visible in him and how proud that made us feel.
I remember my mum saying to me on the day Jasper was born, “You’re both parents now and no one can take that away from you.’’ Sadly, we have at times felt ‘robbed’ of our titles and I have felt on more than one occasion that I have had to justify my worth as a mother to our beautiful boy. As a result, I have even found myself doubting my own status as a mother and I hate that. Along with the fact that our son passed away soon after birth, I’ve often felt that my status as a mother has been questioned on account of Jasper’s prematurity, as if the fact that he was born so prematurely and weighing just 1lb 2oz somehow diminished the love and the pain I feel. The fact that my son was born three months early or how tiny he was or the fact that we had just a few precious hours with him in our arms doesn’t make me love him any less and my motherhood didn’t end with the last beat of his heart. The precious hours we had with our little boy were just the beginning of my motherhood and my husband’s fatherhood.
It may sound strange, but I often feel like we missed out on being congratulated on becoming parents. I have found that it is often hard for others to see past the pain of our loss and they fail to see the happiness that Jasper brought into our lives. May 24th2017 was the worst day of our lives but also the best, as we experienced the joys of becoming parents. Jasper, means ‘barer of gifts’ or ‘treasure’ in Persian and he certainly lived up to his name. Our lives are so much richer for having known him and while the pain of losing him is unimaginably great, the love and the pride we feel as his parents is just as great. As parents, wanting to talk about your baby and celebrate them is the most natural thing. You may not see our son but we carry him in our hearts and we really are no different to any other parents in so many respects; that is something I want the rest of the world to try and understand. We want to celebrate him and to share our love for him with the rest of the world but sadly we are often deprived of that opportunity.
Most people are well-meaning, and they truly believe that in not mentioning Jasper they are protecting us from reliving the heartache of losing him. What they don’t realise is that we live with that heartache every day, regardless of whether someone reminds us or not and their silence is far more hurtful. Like many other parents who have lost a child, as Jasper’s parents one of our greatest fears is that he will be forgotten. I want people to realise that in mentioning Jasper, we are not reminded of our loss. Instead, we are filled with pride and joy that people remember that he existed. In people acknowledging Jasper, we feel recognised as parents and there is nothing more special than that.
We are not religious, but we take great comfort in knowing that Jasper has returned to nature and he has become a part of our landscape. We see him in the beauty of the world around us and a part of being Jasper’s parents has often involved going to beautiful places to feel close to him. Like many others, we have also channelled out love into raising money for various charities that support research into trying to prevent baby loss or charities that support bereaved parents. I think we will forever find ways to express our love for Jasper and keep his memory alive, and I hope that others in our life can continue to be a part of that.
I don’t want anyone to be made to feel uncomfortable by my grief, but what I need people to understand is that my grief is just a result of the love that I have for our son. Please don’t be afraid of saying his name or hearing it. Please allow me to celebrate his life as well as share the sorrow of his loss. When you see a picture of him, you may see the face of a baby who has died and the pain that has brought, but I see the face of my beautiful son whom I love and want to share with you.
I feel more comfortable and confident with my status as Jasper’s mum now and I don’t feel I need to justify it to others so often, but I never want to doubt it again. I’m Hannah, I’m Jasper’s mum, and although he couldn’t stay, he will forever be my son and I forever his mum.
Hannah x
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
Beautiful and heartfelt words Hannah. Our boys will always be just that, our boys xxx
This resonates with me. Our son was stillborn at 27+2 and no one has ever congratulated us on being parents. Most don’t even mention him despite him being my proudest moment x
First of all, I’m so sorry that you also know the heartache. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. People are too afraid to hurt us but if only they realised how proud it would make us feel for them to speak our little ones’ names. I have come to the conclusion that we have to find ways to tell people that is what we need. It is easier said than done especially when you feel so hurt and vulnerable but I just hope that in doing that it will help someone help someone like us one day. Thinking of you and your little one. Hannah xx
Beautifully written showing true love for precious Jasper xx
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for your kind words. Hannah xx
Such a beautifully written and powerful piece. My heart ached with sorrow but also with incredible joy at the love you have for your son & the love he has and will forever give to you. I feel stronger knowing that acknowledging, celebrating and remembering such a precious life is often going to be the best way to help.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for your kind words.
I know how difficult it is to know what to do or say, as you don’t want to do the wrong thing and hurt someone! But my experience is that most people would be happy for you to mention their little one or at least acknowledge just how awful what has happened is. I feel that it is always best to say something even if it’s only ‘I’m so sorry for what has happened.’ or ‘I’m thinking of you.’ That way they know that they are in your thoughts even if they don’t want to talk about what has happened, and for those who do want to talk about their little ones it makes it easier to do so. Hannah xx
What a beautiful piece of writing Hannah. If you live to be 100 and have several more children Jasper will always be your son and you will always be his mother. One day he hopefully will become a big brother. People do feel uncomfortable mentioning a baby who has died so say nothing or something so crass that all you can do is stare in disbelief. Someone said to me they knew exactly how I felt as their dog had died two years previously!
Writing as you have and the fantastic work done by Elle is helping to change this narrative hopefully and opening up grief and bereavement as something that it is alright to talk about.
I wish you and your husband all good things for the future, thank you for sharing Jasper’s story, a beautiful boy who will always be loved and celebrated.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for your kind words. And I am so sorry that you also know the heartache.
I feel like the more I talk about Jasper and the more I’m open about what life is like for us, more people will have a better idea of how to support people like us. I remember being told how brave I was for talking about Jasper and feeling really uncomfortable able about being told I was brave. Wanting to talk about your child is the most natural thing as a parent and I felt the only reason we had to be ‘brave’ was for the fear of people’s reaction. I just hope that in more people having a better understanding of what it is like for someone who has lost a child, that fewer people will have to be ‘brave’ to talk about their children. Hannah xx
Before reading these amazing blogs and following Elle, I have to say that I probably would also have taken the approach of avoiding mentioning your beautiful children, for fear of upsetting you, and I would probably have let you lead the conversation towards it before I felt that it was a subject that we could discuss. But I am being educate by you all, so thank you so much for sharing your story and the photos of your son xx
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for your kind words. It is really hard to know what to say or do as I know people don’t want to upset you and everyone is different. But I think that just sayaing something to let them know you are thinking of them is always good. At least then even if that person isn’t someone who wants to talk they know they are in your thoughts. And also I think it’s important to remember there is no time limit. I often felt that people who I saw a few months down the line felt it too late to say something. It really isn’t. What seems like months and months ago to you will probably feel like no time at all for the parent who has lost a child.
It really means a lot that what we have said has helped people understand better. Thank you once again.
Hannah xx
Thank you Catherine. You are right, they will.☺️Xxx
Wow, reading Jasper Mum’s post has really touch my heart. Just last week, I lost my daughter at 23 weeks and 1 day in a very similar, unexpected way. My heart hurts reading this but I really feel it’s the love I feel for my daughter Fern that is literally bursting out of me. As a mother, despite only having precious moments with Fern, I completely and utterly relate with Hannah as she talks about her love rather than grief for her son, I feel that too, and I find it so comforting to talk about Fern. Thank you for sharing your truly beautiful story about Jasper. As I sit here thinking about your son, I picture my daughter and your son, along with all those other children gone too soon, changing the landscape together. xxx
Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear you have had to go through the heartbreaking experience and thank you for taking the time to read it particularly when it must be so raw. My heart goes out to you so much. Fern is such a beautiful name. What a lovely way to put it. They really are, as you say, changing the landscape together. Much love to you and please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you’d like someone to talk to. Do look after yourself. Xxx