Hi, I’m Elle, the absent blogger.
I just thought I would re-introduce myself before I come in with an apology of what on earth I have been up to for all of these months instead of actually filling this blog with my writing. Well, as many of you may have seen (I mean, it’s not like I have mentioned it 65875 times) I was writing a book. I know, me, an entire bloody book. I can’t quite believe it either. If someone had asked me what my aims were with my blog when it started in January 2017, I can tell you that turning it into a book was not one of them. I still can’t quite believe it’s happened. When I hold it in my hands and stare at that title that was deliberated over, I genuinely cannot believe that Teddy’s story is there in print, forever.
Boris, always present during the writing process!
Acting natural in Waterstones.
So, yes, to say I have been a little busy is an understatement and to say I have been a little slack on the blogging front is an even bigger one! I actually counted up how many blog posts I have written this year…. 12. Yep, 12. *hangs head in shame*. The book just took up all my time and then when the Mum’s Voice Guest Blog series began it gave me the opportunity to feel less guilty about my lack of content, and I just stopped trying to do everything all of the time. Do you know what? It was the right thing to do.
I was worried for a while that I had poured my whole heart and soul into the book and there would be nothing left. No stone unturned, nothing left to share or discuss. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to share any more of Teddy than I already had, and the thought really scared me. Then, I remembered that there will always be more; because there will always be more firsts, more missed moments, and I will always be feeling his absence and feeling new things for the first time with him not being there. I suppose it was the reminder that it never ends; Teddy will always be a part of us, and so there will always be more to share.
With the book “out there” in the world I now have time to get back to what I love; this little corner of the internet. I want to keep sharing with you where I am in my fertility and wellness journey since losing Teddy, and I want to keep sharing our home and all of the exciting projects we have on the horizon. The summer seems to have passed in a flash, and now I find myself sitting here, wearing a sweater, the central heating is on and I am wondering what the hell happened?! Autumn again. It is my favourite season, but as it does for many people the turning of the seasons always makes me nostalgic about certain times in our lives. This year, the 22nd September rolled around again and I was reminded that it was 3 years to the date that we had discovered we were expecting Teddy. Today Facebook reminded me of a beach trip to West Wittering we had made a couple of days after, where I am grinning like a Cheshire Cat, unknowingly with a protective arm already shielding my belly. I long for that feeling again, that feeling of knowing something wonderful is on the way, that there will be a new addition to our family.
September 2015
So where are we now? Two years and fours months on from Teddy’s brief time with us. Well, still hopeful, still trying and still fielding questions from well-meaning people of “So, do you not want anymore children then?” and “Do you think you’ll ever be ready to try again?”. Oh, how my heart breaks a little bit more each time I hear those words. How they chip away at my steely resolve and the cracks begin to show in my smiling exterior as my eyes well up and fill with hot tears. How I hold myself back from saying “Actually, I would have created myself a tiny army by now if afforded the opportunity, but my body seems to have given up on me.” Instead I smile, and just explain it’s taking longer that we would have hoped. So much longer.
I seem to have exhausted the fertility drugs, alternative treatments, acupuncture, supplements, meditation, Chinese herbs, yoga, fertility diets (Note; if I eat anymore beetroot I’ll turn into a f*cking beetroot. Even worse, I hate beetroot?!). I have tried my best, and then some. It’s a wonder I haven’t bankrupted myself with the things I have tried in an effort to be a healthier, more fertile me. If someone told me to run naked through the burning fires of Babylon whilst trying to sing and dance the Hokey-cokey I’d probably give it a whirl if I thought there was a chance it would help me get pregnant?! My primal instinct for another baby is beginning to reek of desperation, I can feel it emanating from my very being. Yet, I try my very best to be positive; to be fertile, but not to focus only on fertility. To keep busy, but at the same time not overload myself so that my busy life manifests as stress that in turn affects my fertility. Sound impossible? Well, yes, it feels it too.
Of course there are always the wonderfully helpful people who tell us to “Just relax” and “It will happen”. Or even better “Just go on holiday and have lots of sex and you’ll definitely get pregnant”. Oh wow, really? Why didn’t I think of that?! My consultant assures me that no amount of holidays or relaxation is set to help what my body has been through in the past two years and four months. We did go to Dubai in April, and it was bloody lovely and so relaxing, but I can confirm that it did not result in a miraculous conception (Soz guys!).
With all that said and done we are staring down the barrel of IVF treatment. It’s imminent. Once my book-promoting, event-laden October is over, that’s the next step for us. I won’t lie, I am hopeful, yet terrified all rolled into one. I hear so many success stories and so many stories where IVF has failed countless times. I want to remain hopeful that it will happen for us, yet something is still needling away at me telling me that everything is stacked against us. I see other people with children the age that Teddy would be now, and I think “Why couldn’t I have just been a normal Mummy, why do we have to go though all of this?”
I have promised myself that I’m going to do everything to keep thinking positively. I think that might also include a social media switch off later in the year, to allow myself time away from the pressures of always trying to reply to everyone. Until then, expect actual blogs and actual life/home updates. That is, of course, if all is forgiven and you’ll still have me?
Elle x
P.S- It’s good to be back.
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
What a beautifully honest post Elle, I know what the desperation feels like and you wonder what’s happened to the old you. You are doing something so positive even when you are facing your fertility issues (which is very personal). It took us nearly 4 years for our miracle baby to arrive after losing our first baby, followed by 3 further misscarriages.
Sending you lots of love as you embark on your ivf journey, I hope your miracle arrives in 2019. Xxx
Welcome vack Ellie! Instead your book and you can really see it’s a labour of love <3. I wish you all the best with IVF, and, please, know that we reapecr your privacy and we will always be here in case you needed a social media detox 😉 see you at TCR!
Yay glad your back x
Elle, you write so beautifully & honestly. I love reading your blogs & posts. Xx
Love this blog post ☺️ Good luck in the next step of your journey💪🏼 💕🌈 you would certainly be missed massively on a social media detox but it would be well deserved and even more exciting to see you back ☺️ Lots of love x
My heart breaks for you when I read this. You’re so beautiful and lovely 💕💕💕💕
Elle we love you 😘
I’m sure grief leaves a hole in our bodies as well as our hearts. Like our bodies protect us from further grief, except the longing is also a grief.
Your story is extraordinary, so generous, and I’m wishing and praying all good things for the next bit of your story. (And if we could turn on that magic baby making zen, we would have, right?)
Prayers for that zen, hope, magic medical science for a little sibling to your big little boy.
Xx
Wishing you so much luck for your IVF. It’s brought us our wonderful daughter and I hope more than anything it works for you too. Sending you lots of love xxx
Your book has stayed with me – it was so beautifully and honestly written as is this post. I truly hope you have success with the IVF. Much love to you xx
I am just over half way through your book in two nights. It’s my indulgence at the moment.
My first born, my daughter Jessica, would be 15 now. Jessica could only stay with me for 9 weeks, and never left hospital.
She has inspired me to be who I am, she walks by my side everyday.
I have 2 boys now, they have a different dad. My marriage didn’t survive but don’t think it would have even if Jessica had.
It took me a long time to conceive. Even after my eldest son we needed fertility treatment. We were lucky at first and conceived quickly with Clomid but miscarried at 12 weeks. That was so hard.
A long time later IUI worked for us and I have my amazing youngest son.
I am now thankful that I have reached a stage where I don’t spend every day longing to be pregnant or worrying my baby won’t survive. I still stress daily
I guess all I am saying is don’t give up xxxx
Elle, have a look at Luissa Zissman’s instagram. There is a fertility supplement she swears by and lots of her followers have had success stories too. Sorry for be another annoying advice person 😂 x
You don’t know how much I admire you…. your posts are so inspiring xxxx thinking of you and Teddy every single day! keep holding on 🙂
Wishing you both all the luck in the world for your IVF journey Elle. Xx
Wishing you lots of luck for your IVF journey Elle. Everything crossed for you. X
What an absolutely gorgeous, honest and deeply personal blog post. You’re such an inspiration Elle. We’re also 3 years into our infertility battle and in the middle of our IVF journey. We misacrried last week and several times since then (and in the journey up to that point) I have looked to you and teddy to find strength and feel like I’m not alone. You have no idea of the support and encouragement your blog, instagram and book give people like me. I cannot thank you enough. Wishing you all the luck in the world on your next journey. No-one deserves it more and I will be keeping everything crossed for you. Lots of love your way Xxx
I wish you lots and lots of luck – you’re amazing and wonderful and I hope with all my heart you have a happy successful IVF journey – its no easy at all but I know you’ll just be great! Lots of love to you my love, XXX (It does work even in the deep dark barrels of despair – x)
Dear Elle
I wanted to thank you for your book (bought yesterday, finished today)
As the aunt of Kadian (beloved 14 year old nephew who died on his bicycle) and an obstetrician (having to support Parents both through the devastation of hearing that their baby has died following a scan and then through delivery and the aftermath) your book has further helped me understand what some are going through and how to listen better to all.
All the families I look after are different, yet sadly so similar. Reading your honest, gut wrenching book helps me both professionally and personally. My brother wrote about his relationship with Kadian. At the time I did not understand his need to share. That changed when I read his book, and reading yours has so many similarities despite the obvious differences in your circumstances.
Good luck with the IVF and (I hope) the happiness (and anxieties) of success.
Teddy deserves siblings ( and Boris needs to learn to share you and Nico).
I feel like you speak my thoughts sometimes.
My daughter Jessica died when she was 9 weeks old, she would be 15 now. Jessica didn’t come home either and was my firstborn. I used to call myself a childless mother and it felt like the loneliest place in the world.
I have gone on to have 2 gorgeous boys who both talk about their big sister, even though she stayed forever small. It was a long, hard journey. They have a different father, my marriage failed after Jessica died but I think it always would have. I also had a subsequent miscarriage and fertility problems, it took years but I did conceive with IUI.
I really feel that Jessica walks by my side and I say her name more and more. I worry far less now about how awkward it makes people feel.
The pain will last an eternity but mostly I have learned how to carry it with me. It’s hard, parenting is hard!
I wish so much that one day you hold your “take home baby” in your arms and I’m positive you will xxx
I absolutely love your instagram and i think you are amazing. Sending you all the positive energy on your journey. You deserve it all, x
Elle, thank you for such a touching and truthful account. Like you, I am in the no man’s land of trying again after daughter Robyn died at 11 months. It’s not been straightforward and has felt a very lonely place at times, however reading this has given me a lot of strength and made me feel less alone – thank you, and I wish you all the very best in your ivf journey – you deserve every happiness.
I’m just reading your book. Like you, I’m on mat leave with no baby and trying to find ways to pass the time and get through the days. Thank you for sharing your story x
I have just recently followed you and will be reading your book.
It broke my heart reading your Blog, we have 5 failed IVF and no 6 was out last go we now have twins nearly 2. Be positive, everyday will be a callegue and lots of emotional moments don’t give. Your day will come.
We put on a brave face but inside we are broken. You have already suffered a massive loss but you sound like a strong woman..
Sending you so much love and positive vibes. 💗💗