Where to even begin with this post? I began writing a post about Teddy‘s fifth birthday last year at the beginning of May, that has remained firmly in my drafts folder ever since. The words just would not find their way onto the screen easily enough for me to find quite the right thing to say.  Six years feels really quite remarkable indeed. Six entire years where someone is missing from our daily life as it should have been.  Yet we seemed to mark the day with possibly the most unremarkable of days; ordinary even, but extraordinary all at the same time.

Truth be told, I have wondered for the past two months whether to even write about this one.  I don’t want to wallow in poor-old-me status or have people give me their sympathy.  When I post anything about our fertility journey since died Teddy, or in fact anything about losing him, it’s never for anything other than trying to connect myself to others who might have been through a similar experience.  Whether it be to offer them some comfort, or find some for myself; I am not sure?  I think it is most likely a case of simply not wanting to feel like the “only one”. Which I will admit, I often do when I see other people having babies and making it look as easy as shelling-peas (as my Mum would say).

Well, three times actually; and it has made me think long and hard about whether to post this. Left me pondering that I might be turning into a one woman pity party? Or perhaps, I fear that I might be shattering the illusion that happily ever afters come easily to those who have already endured enough heartbreak? When I read it back to myself I thought “Well, you couldn’t make this sh*t up if you tried?”

I suppose that is my reason for posting; that I considered that there might be more of us, the unlucky ones, the ones who chase that rainbow, that “happily ever after” for far longer than they have the energy to. The ones who feel battered, bruised and broken by it all, who are on the precipice of giving it all up and chasing another dream.

Strange title for a blog post, I’ll be the first to admit.  This is something that has been playing on my mind so much in recent weeks and I just feel as though I need to get it down in words that are (hopefully) put together in a way people can make sense of (I shall let you be the judge of that!)….