Our journey to parenthood started as soon as Karl and I got married in 2015. I was convinced that things wouldn’t be straight forward, and so I could not believe it when a few weeks after our honeymoon we found out we were pregnant. We were both over the moon and for 8 weeks we lived in a bubble of happiness. My sister was a month ahead of me with her first pregnancy so everything felt perfect. As the 12 week scan approached, I started to feel a little nervous however I felt reassured by the fact that I hadn’t had any pain or bleeding. Our happiness ended when the sonographer asked the dreaded question, ‘How sure are you about your dates?’ I will remember that feeling forever. We just felt broken. My only way of describing this feeling was that the world had gone from colourful, bright and hopeful, to dark and grey.

I often find myself looking at my son, whether he’s being funny, cute or even naughty, and I wonder what it would have been like to have two of him – a carbon copy, a mirror image. Would they have had the same infectious giggle, cheeky grin and love for all things Fireman Sam? Probably not, but I will always wonder… What if George was here too?

On 4 March 2018, six weeks before my due date, our world officially came crashing down. I’d spent months wondering, hoping, grieving, perhaps even hiding a little, but on that day, it was happening whether I liked it or not.

To say I was blindsided by infertility, loss and the complexities therein is very much an understatement.

I met my husband in a University lecture at 19, engaged at 24, married at 27.  By 28 I had the job, the house, the support network, the life for a baby.  When we started trying to conceive I felt nothing but excitement for what was to come.  Month after month, if my period was even a day late, I would take a pregnancy test convinced that this would be our time.  It was after about nine months of trying that I started to get a bit jittery.  We were young and healthy, eating well and tracking cycles – this should be working.  Why were we not getting pregnant?

December 2015 saw the start of our 4^th pregnancy, and hopefully a successful one after 3 losses over the prior 18 months.  The pregnancy was great, and what seemed like the following day, I was 40 weeks pregnant with Mathijs.